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Literature Text
Epilogue - The Final Note
"Hey, can we go to the funeral?"
"There is no funeral."
"Can we just stop by? Please?"
"...fine, let's go."
* * *
Halle Lidner shifted uncomfortably in the back seat of the car as a breeze blew in through the open window with a whistling noise.
It wasn't the silence that made her nervous, nor was it the fact that they were waiting in the middle of a cemetery, nor was it the obvious fact that she was the only member of the SPK besides Near who opted out of visiting the unmarked grave that Rester and Gevanni were currently standing so respectfully before.
It was the fact that, for once in the entire time she had known him, the pale haired boy sitting beside her with his legs drawn up to his chin and his temple leaning against the window was not actively involved with one of his toys. His hands rested, unmoving, in his lap, a Transformers toy laying limply in his palm. He stared out the window, his gaze unfocused and unseeing.
It was a rare moment of a lapse in Near's concentration.
Halle glanced over at Near for a split second, seeing too much of Gevanni's disapproving look in the boy's reflection on the window.
That had bothered her too, that she was practically being ostracized for not wanting to salt her own wounds.
She had known Mello for such a short time, but his death had cut her deeper than she had expected it to.
In her line of work, it was best not to dwell too much on these sorts of things.
So, she sat in the car in the unbearable tension that the new L was unwittingly creating.
Or perhaps he was fully aware of it.
She wondered what would be worse, being out there and risking losing her cool in front of her coworkers, or staying in here and risking losing her mind.
"I sometimes wonder if it's my fault," Near suddenly uttered, causing the woman to jump slightly. "If I had moved more quickly, perhaps he would still be here."
At first, the blond woman had been thankful for a break in the silence, but the topic Near had chosen only served to intensify the anxiety.
"None of us could have stopped him," she responded.
It was her default answer. No blame at all. It was all Mello's choice, all Mello's doing, all his fault.
She wasn't going to linger on what she may or may not have done to change the outcome.
"Lidner," he said, turning to look at her. "You should not feel sad. Mello is still here. He and I can never be apart." He lifted his hand to reveal the Near and Mello finger puppets resting on his index and middle finger. He twiddled the digits and puppet-Mello and -Near wiggled back and forth. "He is dead, but death is unavoidable. We are allowed to mourn, but you should focus on what you liked about Mello instead of the fact that he is no longer here with you." He turned away, eyeing the puppets with a small smile. "There is a rule of the notebook that isn't complete."
Rester and Gevanni returned, climbing back into the car, looking solemn. "Are we ready to go?" Rester asked, looking back at the two in the back seat with the rear view mirror.
"No, give me a second," Lidner blurted out, trying to get out of the car as fast as possible without looking frantic.
She closed the car door and stood stupidly at the car for a few seconds before making her way off the dirt road and through the headstones, back to the blank stone marking a pair of anonymous graves.
What had Near meant? Was he trying to hint to her that Mello had escaped? That he was still alive?
It wasn't possible. There were two bodies beneath the soil of the unmarked graves, seized by the NPA as a favor to Near.
Was he really trying to insinuate that Mello lived on in her memories of him? It seemed like something too ordinary for Near to say.
A firm wind rushed past her and a few locks of hair suddenly flew in front of her eyes.
She halted, reaching up to pull them back and froze suddenly.
She immediately turned to walk back to the car, still breathing shakily in shock when she got back in beside Near.
The woman turned to look at the young man next to her for some sort of reassurance, of confirmation.
He was paying too much attention to his toys to even glance at her.
"You alright, Lidner?" Rester asked. "You look like you've seen a ghost."
She smiled as the corner of Near's mouth turned up slightly.
"Two of them, actually."
* * *
All humans, will, without exception, eventually die.
After they die, the place they go is MU.
Mu is a Koan, a paradoxical Zen phrase that means neither yes nor no, it stands for the knowledge that we do not possess, a knowledge that we have not yet formed of our own opinion.
Therefore, Mu is not a state of being, but an answer that looks beyond a firm reality and instead observes that which we know to be true ourselves from our own experience.
"Hey, can we go to the funeral?"
"There is no funeral."
"Can we just stop by? Please?"
"...fine, let's go."
* * *
Halle Lidner shifted uncomfortably in the back seat of the car as a breeze blew in through the open window with a whistling noise.
It wasn't the silence that made her nervous, nor was it the fact that they were waiting in the middle of a cemetery, nor was it the obvious fact that she was the only member of the SPK besides Near who opted out of visiting the unmarked grave that Rester and Gevanni were currently standing so respectfully before.
It was the fact that, for once in the entire time she had known him, the pale haired boy sitting beside her with his legs drawn up to his chin and his temple leaning against the window was not actively involved with one of his toys. His hands rested, unmoving, in his lap, a Transformers toy laying limply in his palm. He stared out the window, his gaze unfocused and unseeing.
It was a rare moment of a lapse in Near's concentration.
Halle glanced over at Near for a split second, seeing too much of Gevanni's disapproving look in the boy's reflection on the window.
That had bothered her too, that she was practically being ostracized for not wanting to salt her own wounds.
She had known Mello for such a short time, but his death had cut her deeper than she had expected it to.
In her line of work, it was best not to dwell too much on these sorts of things.
So, she sat in the car in the unbearable tension that the new L was unwittingly creating.
Or perhaps he was fully aware of it.
She wondered what would be worse, being out there and risking losing her cool in front of her coworkers, or staying in here and risking losing her mind.
"I sometimes wonder if it's my fault," Near suddenly uttered, causing the woman to jump slightly. "If I had moved more quickly, perhaps he would still be here."
At first, the blond woman had been thankful for a break in the silence, but the topic Near had chosen only served to intensify the anxiety.
"None of us could have stopped him," she responded.
It was her default answer. No blame at all. It was all Mello's choice, all Mello's doing, all his fault.
She wasn't going to linger on what she may or may not have done to change the outcome.
"Lidner," he said, turning to look at her. "You should not feel sad. Mello is still here. He and I can never be apart." He lifted his hand to reveal the Near and Mello finger puppets resting on his index and middle finger. He twiddled the digits and puppet-Mello and -Near wiggled back and forth. "He is dead, but death is unavoidable. We are allowed to mourn, but you should focus on what you liked about Mello instead of the fact that he is no longer here with you." He turned away, eyeing the puppets with a small smile. "There is a rule of the notebook that isn't complete."
Rester and Gevanni returned, climbing back into the car, looking solemn. "Are we ready to go?" Rester asked, looking back at the two in the back seat with the rear view mirror.
"No, give me a second," Lidner blurted out, trying to get out of the car as fast as possible without looking frantic.
She closed the car door and stood stupidly at the car for a few seconds before making her way off the dirt road and through the headstones, back to the blank stone marking a pair of anonymous graves.
What had Near meant? Was he trying to hint to her that Mello had escaped? That he was still alive?
It wasn't possible. There were two bodies beneath the soil of the unmarked graves, seized by the NPA as a favor to Near.
Was he really trying to insinuate that Mello lived on in her memories of him? It seemed like something too ordinary for Near to say.
A firm wind rushed past her and a few locks of hair suddenly flew in front of her eyes.
She halted, reaching up to pull them back and froze suddenly.
She immediately turned to walk back to the car, still breathing shakily in shock when she got back in beside Near.
The woman turned to look at the young man next to her for some sort of reassurance, of confirmation.
He was paying too much attention to his toys to even glance at her.
"You alright, Lidner?" Rester asked. "You look like you've seen a ghost."
She smiled as the corner of Near's mouth turned up slightly.
"Two of them, actually."
* * *
All humans, will, without exception, eventually die.
After they die, the place they go is MU.
Mu is a Koan, a paradoxical Zen phrase that means neither yes nor no, it stands for the knowledge that we do not possess, a knowledge that we have not yet formed of our own opinion.
Therefore, Mu is not a state of being, but an answer that looks beyond a firm reality and instead observes that which we know to be true ourselves from our own experience.
Literature
Life Note? MattXMello
The Life Note, MattXMello
A white note book that brings people back from the dead, of course Mello had to try it. It had been a week since he had tried to kidnap Takada, and failed. His best friend, Matt, Mail Jeevas, died helping him. "This has got to work." Mello sightly read the instructions. "The persons name who is written in this note shall come back to life with in 40 minutes of when written." "This is shit..." He muttered. "Detales of how, or where the person comes back to life can be written in." His heart beet loudly. Once a person is brought back only the power of the Death Note may grant them death." "Matt......" He though
Literature
Memories- Part One
Memories- part 1
L's past
L sat on his chair by his computer, and quickly analysed the page of information. He had been at work for almost forty-eight hours straight. He looked as if he couldn’t close his eyes. He didn’t speak a word to anyone, but most of the time no one was actually there. So he just sat there in deep thought. He always had a blank face, and his eyes watering as if he was quietly crying to himself.
His eyes wandered around the room continuously. He brought his attention to the window as outside it began to rain. It was raining as hard as it was one time when he was a boy. He was looking out of his bedroom windo
Literature
LxL Drabble Right Here REVISED
I'm Right Here--L and Light Drabble--REVISED
He had always been on the other side. Never needing to worry about being attacked because he had the best protection. He thought he was invincible. The reality of it was harsh for him. He was no better than the people outside his walls. He was not invincible. He was vulnerable.
L wasn't the same after the attack. Light didn’t think he would ever be the same, not the exact same anyway. Few people went through what he had, and he wished no one else in the world would.
L spent three days in the hospital, and he never slept. The nurses gave him heavy doses of drugs and morphine, bu
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*MattGasm has permission to post this.
Final Author's Notes
Geez, I really thought that the author's notes would write itself, but I see that's not the case. It's difficult to gather together all my thoughts of this fic.
When I started this fanfiction, it was a desire to say "goodbye" to both Matt and Mello whose roles in Death Note were cut so terribly short. But, it grew into something quite personal as I kept on writing and ultimately, something of an emotional release.
I've been writing since I was about 10 years old and I never felt satisfied with my writing until this.
I can honestly say this is one of the best things I have ever written, if not the best.
So, this fic was...I don't even know how to describe it. It was almost like starting over for me. My writing had been failing for I don't know how long before I started this fic. I was completely lost and aggravated before I began writing Part 1.
I'll be upfront with this, this isn't my first Death Note fic that I've written or my first Matt/Mello fic, but it is the first one I wrote seriously. I had one that's still sitting untouched that I worked on for about a month.
I wasn't ready at that point though. I hadn't learned enough about Matt and Mello to really be prepared to write a fic about them. This was almost a "coming of age" sort of thing. This marks that I have at least a basic understanding of the characters and their personalities. They are real people and real people are not simply one way or another. Both Matt and Mello have a delicate balance of understanding and frustration, of kindness and violence, of maturity and immaturity. Finding those balances is part of the key to success in writing a Matt/Mello fanfiction. Without it, it's a very difficult task, nearly impossible, to write about these two.
I finally decided I was going to write, even if it was only for myself. Part 1 was never meant to be posted or read, because I simply wasn't proud of my writing anymore.
Even so, when I was done, I kept reading and re-reading and I was like, "Wow, this is alright. I suppose I'll post it to . Couldn't hurt, right?"
Honestly, I was expecting that it would get a few hits, maybe a review or two and then simply fade back into the shadows and I'd move on to something else. Even so, as the days passed, Matt and Mello kept growing in my head and I continued to write, with the intention of taking it on to the very end, just so I could say I had finished it.
The moment I saw how many people were basically telling me it was one of the best things they had ever read, I was in disbelief. I had never been told anything so kind about my writing before. I was absolutely blown away. Every time I would read a positive review, I would get shy and flattered. There were a few that made me squeal in delight, especially those from people like mrsjeevas and SlvrSoleAlchmst1, two fanfiction authors that I really do admire. narni4eva and thinlimitation were two users I found in the process of writing this fic that I came to adore and their reviews left me completely speechless. I'm so grateful for everyone's input, but those four really left a big impact and impression on me, so much love to you guys.
This fanfiction quickly went from being for fun, to something I felt I had to do, something I wanted to do for all the people who wanted to see and know more.
I've never had solid writing habits, but they were immediately formed when I sat down to write this fic every day. I found relief, love, and immense inspiration in music.
I was never a believer that music could really help someone write, because it had never helped me before. It was a lifesaver for this fic though.
Part 2 was my favorite to write, because it was such a relaxed and leisurely section. I felt free to explore the shaky transition from violence back to friendship between the two and even give a little peek into Matt and Mello's childhood and how they had met.
More than once, I struggled with tone and dialogue between the two of them, especially in that chapter. I knew the more rash and loud side that Mello had, but it was difficult to figure out when it would emerge and how.
I also had trouble with Matt's temperament, how far he could be pushed before he put his foot down, how he responded to his best friend.
I've read countless interpretations of these two and I was determined to create my own, but in the end, I think I just combined them all together and toned them down or up a notch or two.
Language was also a bit of an issue.
See, I'm not British, but I was writing British characters. That fact did not escape my mind, and I'm sure there are some Brits out there who are reading the dialogue saying, "That's not what they would say" or something like that.
I was tempted once or twice to read up and study British slang and speech, but I knew, at the end of the day, all I could do was write what I knew and felt. If I had tried to write them with British speech, it wouldn't have come out honestly and would have lowered the quality. So, I do hope I can be forgiven for my Americanisms.
I've also read numerous versions of Mafia Mello and I was on the border of making him the heartless killer that many people seem to see him as. But after re-watching the anime a few times, I took in the entirety of the situation.
Mello was only about 16 or so at the time. He's a teenager, with no parents to educate him, probably nervous, out of his element, and desperate to get to the top with virtually nothing to work with.
At that age, probably having had only Roger to look up to as a father figure, he was in a very dangerous position, and he probably knew it.
Joining the Mafia seemed more of a necessity than a choice and the only people who acted as role models to him were killers.
He seemed more disturbed and distraught, putting up the cold front as a defensive mechanism to protect himself emotionally.
As far as Matt's smoking habit went, that was also one of the more difficult aspects for me to deal with. My father was a smoker when I was a child and he quit because my mother and I kept getting sick from it. So, needless to say, my view on smoking is less than accepting.
However, I took a tip from mrsjeevas, that Mello is not a rabid anti-smoking crusader and that Matt does have a nicotine addiction. Both elements were extremely unfamiliar to me, because I am against smoking (not to the point that I nag people I don't even know, but I do express concern for those close to me) and I have never dealt with smokers and their habits before. Still, I forewent my whole honesty approach for this and tried to make myself as neutral as possible about it. Mello didn't care, so neither should I.
I had no real ending in mind when I began this fic. I mean, I had one, but nothing very solid or even remotely planned out. After watching the very end of the series, that rule of "The human who uses this note can neither go to Heaven nor Hell" kept bugging me. I mean, I'm a firm believer that Light did not want to kill L because he viewed him as an equal and a friend, the only person who could really understand him on the same level. But Light saw Kira as a self sacrificing figure, someone who would somehow find the strength to kill even his best friend in order to further justice.
Yes, I do believe that Light and L were friends. They found someone who could really relate to them. They stood on opposite sides of every issue, but their thoughts and thinking process were the same.
So, since L never used the Death Note, he would still be allowed to go to Heaven or Hell, whereas Light would not.
It was a perfect contrast to Matt and Mello, who were, thankfully, not forced to be apart.
And finally, the dreaded Mu rule.
At first, I had every intention of simply ignoring the rule and writing it the way I wanted. But then I realized that it would be working against me. I was writing the story as accurately as I could to the series. To simply disregard that rule would be a major flaw in the story line.
I ended up doing some research and discovering that Mu does not really stand for nothing. As the epilogue says, it's a paradoxical statement. The entire description of it is quite long and can get a bit confusing, but I suddenly discovered that one could still proceed to Heaven even with the Mu rule.
Because Mu is actually not a place or a state of being, it simply means that which cannot be answered.
Part 3 was extremely difficult to write, especially the second half of it. Matt seemed so vague to me as to how he felt about religion and how he would treat it. I knew by the end he might have accepted it, not necessarily completely, but at least acknowledged it. His feelings towards Mello and his way of practicing Catholicism also seemed very far away. It took me a few days to finally formulate it in my head, that Mello is a very strict Catholic and Matt is a very casual person. He seemed the type to be made anxious about memorizing prayers and rituals. Being a person who normally underachieves, the thought of having perfection demanded of him seemed a bit off-putting. It took a very long time, at least a week and about 7 rewrites to finally get Part 3 to the way I wanted it.
The statements that Matt makes regarding Heaven being perfect and that people have been dying successfully for millions of years are quite meaningful to me.
I must admit, that I did not come up with those ideas on my own.
Jacob, my very best friend, is the one who told me these things.
My relationship with Jacob really helped me to write this fic, because he happens to be an atheist, whereas I am a Catholic. The dynamics regarding religion between Matt and Mello are influenced by the dynamics between Jacob and myself.
The epilogue was my favorite to write next to Part 2, simply because it was a refreshing change of characters. I never ceased believing that Hal played an important role in Mello's life shortly before he died and that Near honestly held very little ill will towards Mello.
I was excited especially about writing Hal, because she seemed so open for development and characterization. I was worried about Near because I really couldn't get inside of his head. It was almost as if he wrote his own lines, popping up unexpectedly in my mind.
There were numerous "deleted scenes" for this fic. Not because they don't relate to the story or because I just wanted to keep some things to myself. I deleted them for one of two reasons.
1) They distracted a bit from the main plot and really didn't meet the standard of quality I wanted
2) I planned on using them for a different story
Which brings me to the next topic.
This won't be the last you hear of me as far as fanfiction goes. Hopefully that will make you cheer rather than cringe. lol. I'm currently working on a second fanfiction, a sort of prequel or companion piece to Beyond. I'm also working heavily, sort of on and off, on an AU fic as well. If all goes well, both will be up soon for you all to read.
On that note, I'd like to thank everyone who read this fic and stuck with it until the very end. I immensely enjoyed writing it.
Thank you to everyone who have helped me out along the way, including thinlimitation, narni4eva, mrsjeevas, and SyberiaWinx. If I've forgotten any of you, I'm extremely sorry. You may message me and complain. Haha.
Special Deviant Art Author's Notes:
It's been nearly four months since Beyond was first created. I've had time to think on it, re-read, and even write a number of other Matt/Mello pieces since then. As many of you know, my obsession with these two began in about late March/early April. I had a strong desire to get my ideas on paper, to be one of those well known fanfiction writers. I wanted to write a novel length fanfiction for Matt and Mello.
It would have been my first real attempt at writing fanfiction. To be fair, like I've said before, I have written it in the past, but it was more the rantings of a fangirl than actual attempts at writing good literature.
My hastiness is what sent a 65 page fanfiction into the trash.
I hadn't yet culminated a full, deep, dynamic view of the characters. They changed so rapidly in my head as time went on that, when I finally finished the Death Note series (both anime and manga) and May rolled around, I didn't even recognize the Matt and Mello I had been writing about. I discovered I wasn't the type of person who could just get it perfect on the first try.
So, I gave up. And it's probably a good thing too. Mrsjeevas seems to have been born to write epic, huge, Matt/Mello fics. It seemed that it was my place to write things like Beyond and leave the novel-length stuff to someone like her.
Not to say that that's set in stone. I'd love to try again with my old characters (after spicing them up a little bit of course. They really were quite dull back then), but it may be a long time before I ever do that. And perhaps Mrsjeevas could try her hand at a tale about MxM afterlife (hmm? Maybe? I don't know. lol)?
Since the beginning, I've admired her. Even now, I still do. What she does with words, what she does with characters is nothing short of amazing.
I could rant on all day about her and the amazing stuff she's done to help me and how great she really is, but I've only got so much room and so much of my audience's attention to work with.
I have to admit that if she hadn't been around, Beyond would never have been finished and Thicker Than Blood would just be a silly idea.
If ever I got stuck, I would go through and re-read her work, and something about it, some very well crafted or lovely sentence, a vivid use of imagery, would get me going again.
I hope she'll consider this a gift of thanks for the wonderful surprise she left me for my birthday. I'm still touched by it even now.
But even more than that, she's been a tremendous help, answering my questions for TTB and leaving such great reviews for Beyond and inadvertently leaving little tips within for me (like the 40-10 technique. I don't even know if she remembers that. lol). Its her observations of Matt and Mello in her own work that helped me to critique my own writing. The fact that she analyzes them from every possible angle, questioning why this and why that, it provided me with a sort of checklist for myself. Even while I write TTB, I read over "My Own Way" and, every time, I notice yet another facet in Matt or Mello's personality that I failed to even think about.
It's a difficult thing to explain how I've learned from her, yet taken my own path with it all. But if I wanted to say it simply, she unintentionally provided me with a bar to shoot for, something to aspire to, and I think it's something that I really needed. She gets me to think deeper than just what I see in the show or in the manga, makes these very short-lived characters have depth and personality and flaws and lives.
She's the type who gets it perfect on the first try because of the effort she puts into it. Admittedly, I'm always flabbergasted at how she can churn out three chapters in a day at times (or so it seems from the way she updates on AFF) while I sit here in my writer's block hell and pout. But, her speed of writing doesn't seem to take away from the meticulous detail she puts into her fics. Everything is so full of meaning and rich detail, because she's taken the time to pick apart these two men down to their most basic elements of character.
And that's usually the mark of a literary genius, and it's a quality that I hope I can one day learn as well. I'm already well on my way with Mrsjeevas' help.
That's why I've decided that I am going to dedicate the deviant art version of Beyond to her.
She encouraged me and kept me going, even convinced me to move this to DA (and it will hopefully be followed by Intangible, Keehl's Ninth, and Thicker Than Blood).
If you haven't done so yet, go read
stuff and be amazed! She's a wonderful writer and a beautiful person.
To Mrsjeevas: Thank you for everything you've done. It may seem small, or insignificant, but you've given me more self-esteem as a writer and more advice and help than I ever expected. We haven't known each other long, and I hope I've managed to avoid too much gushing or assuming. Perhaps I'm a Mello at heart (controlling, selfish, chocolate addict), and if I am, then you've definitely become my Matt and I hope that's okay. Thank you so much!
And thank you to all of you who made it this far.
Until next time,
Catmoongirl
Final Disclaimer: Death Note was written and illustrated by Ohba and Obata. It does not belong to me.
Final Author's Notes
Geez, I really thought that the author's notes would write itself, but I see that's not the case. It's difficult to gather together all my thoughts of this fic.
When I started this fanfiction, it was a desire to say "goodbye" to both Matt and Mello whose roles in Death Note were cut so terribly short. But, it grew into something quite personal as I kept on writing and ultimately, something of an emotional release.
I've been writing since I was about 10 years old and I never felt satisfied with my writing until this.
I can honestly say this is one of the best things I have ever written, if not the best.
So, this fic was...I don't even know how to describe it. It was almost like starting over for me. My writing had been failing for I don't know how long before I started this fic. I was completely lost and aggravated before I began writing Part 1.
I'll be upfront with this, this isn't my first Death Note fic that I've written or my first Matt/Mello fic, but it is the first one I wrote seriously. I had one that's still sitting untouched that I worked on for about a month.
I wasn't ready at that point though. I hadn't learned enough about Matt and Mello to really be prepared to write a fic about them. This was almost a "coming of age" sort of thing. This marks that I have at least a basic understanding of the characters and their personalities. They are real people and real people are not simply one way or another. Both Matt and Mello have a delicate balance of understanding and frustration, of kindness and violence, of maturity and immaturity. Finding those balances is part of the key to success in writing a Matt/Mello fanfiction. Without it, it's a very difficult task, nearly impossible, to write about these two.
I finally decided I was going to write, even if it was only for myself. Part 1 was never meant to be posted or read, because I simply wasn't proud of my writing anymore.
Even so, when I was done, I kept reading and re-reading and I was like, "Wow, this is alright. I suppose I'll post it to . Couldn't hurt, right?"
Honestly, I was expecting that it would get a few hits, maybe a review or two and then simply fade back into the shadows and I'd move on to something else. Even so, as the days passed, Matt and Mello kept growing in my head and I continued to write, with the intention of taking it on to the very end, just so I could say I had finished it.
The moment I saw how many people were basically telling me it was one of the best things they had ever read, I was in disbelief. I had never been told anything so kind about my writing before. I was absolutely blown away. Every time I would read a positive review, I would get shy and flattered. There were a few that made me squeal in delight, especially those from people like mrsjeevas and SlvrSoleAlchmst1, two fanfiction authors that I really do admire. narni4eva and thinlimitation were two users I found in the process of writing this fic that I came to adore and their reviews left me completely speechless. I'm so grateful for everyone's input, but those four really left a big impact and impression on me, so much love to you guys.
This fanfiction quickly went from being for fun, to something I felt I had to do, something I wanted to do for all the people who wanted to see and know more.
I've never had solid writing habits, but they were immediately formed when I sat down to write this fic every day. I found relief, love, and immense inspiration in music.
I was never a believer that music could really help someone write, because it had never helped me before. It was a lifesaver for this fic though.
Part 2 was my favorite to write, because it was such a relaxed and leisurely section. I felt free to explore the shaky transition from violence back to friendship between the two and even give a little peek into Matt and Mello's childhood and how they had met.
More than once, I struggled with tone and dialogue between the two of them, especially in that chapter. I knew the more rash and loud side that Mello had, but it was difficult to figure out when it would emerge and how.
I also had trouble with Matt's temperament, how far he could be pushed before he put his foot down, how he responded to his best friend.
I've read countless interpretations of these two and I was determined to create my own, but in the end, I think I just combined them all together and toned them down or up a notch or two.
Language was also a bit of an issue.
See, I'm not British, but I was writing British characters. That fact did not escape my mind, and I'm sure there are some Brits out there who are reading the dialogue saying, "That's not what they would say" or something like that.
I was tempted once or twice to read up and study British slang and speech, but I knew, at the end of the day, all I could do was write what I knew and felt. If I had tried to write them with British speech, it wouldn't have come out honestly and would have lowered the quality. So, I do hope I can be forgiven for my Americanisms.
I've also read numerous versions of Mafia Mello and I was on the border of making him the heartless killer that many people seem to see him as. But after re-watching the anime a few times, I took in the entirety of the situation.
Mello was only about 16 or so at the time. He's a teenager, with no parents to educate him, probably nervous, out of his element, and desperate to get to the top with virtually nothing to work with.
At that age, probably having had only Roger to look up to as a father figure, he was in a very dangerous position, and he probably knew it.
Joining the Mafia seemed more of a necessity than a choice and the only people who acted as role models to him were killers.
He seemed more disturbed and distraught, putting up the cold front as a defensive mechanism to protect himself emotionally.
As far as Matt's smoking habit went, that was also one of the more difficult aspects for me to deal with. My father was a smoker when I was a child and he quit because my mother and I kept getting sick from it. So, needless to say, my view on smoking is less than accepting.
However, I took a tip from mrsjeevas, that Mello is not a rabid anti-smoking crusader and that Matt does have a nicotine addiction. Both elements were extremely unfamiliar to me, because I am against smoking (not to the point that I nag people I don't even know, but I do express concern for those close to me) and I have never dealt with smokers and their habits before. Still, I forewent my whole honesty approach for this and tried to make myself as neutral as possible about it. Mello didn't care, so neither should I.
I had no real ending in mind when I began this fic. I mean, I had one, but nothing very solid or even remotely planned out. After watching the very end of the series, that rule of "The human who uses this note can neither go to Heaven nor Hell" kept bugging me. I mean, I'm a firm believer that Light did not want to kill L because he viewed him as an equal and a friend, the only person who could really understand him on the same level. But Light saw Kira as a self sacrificing figure, someone who would somehow find the strength to kill even his best friend in order to further justice.
Yes, I do believe that Light and L were friends. They found someone who could really relate to them. They stood on opposite sides of every issue, but their thoughts and thinking process were the same.
So, since L never used the Death Note, he would still be allowed to go to Heaven or Hell, whereas Light would not.
It was a perfect contrast to Matt and Mello, who were, thankfully, not forced to be apart.
And finally, the dreaded Mu rule.
At first, I had every intention of simply ignoring the rule and writing it the way I wanted. But then I realized that it would be working against me. I was writing the story as accurately as I could to the series. To simply disregard that rule would be a major flaw in the story line.
I ended up doing some research and discovering that Mu does not really stand for nothing. As the epilogue says, it's a paradoxical statement. The entire description of it is quite long and can get a bit confusing, but I suddenly discovered that one could still proceed to Heaven even with the Mu rule.
Because Mu is actually not a place or a state of being, it simply means that which cannot be answered.
Part 3 was extremely difficult to write, especially the second half of it. Matt seemed so vague to me as to how he felt about religion and how he would treat it. I knew by the end he might have accepted it, not necessarily completely, but at least acknowledged it. His feelings towards Mello and his way of practicing Catholicism also seemed very far away. It took me a few days to finally formulate it in my head, that Mello is a very strict Catholic and Matt is a very casual person. He seemed the type to be made anxious about memorizing prayers and rituals. Being a person who normally underachieves, the thought of having perfection demanded of him seemed a bit off-putting. It took a very long time, at least a week and about 7 rewrites to finally get Part 3 to the way I wanted it.
The statements that Matt makes regarding Heaven being perfect and that people have been dying successfully for millions of years are quite meaningful to me.
I must admit, that I did not come up with those ideas on my own.
Jacob, my very best friend, is the one who told me these things.
My relationship with Jacob really helped me to write this fic, because he happens to be an atheist, whereas I am a Catholic. The dynamics regarding religion between Matt and Mello are influenced by the dynamics between Jacob and myself.
The epilogue was my favorite to write next to Part 2, simply because it was a refreshing change of characters. I never ceased believing that Hal played an important role in Mello's life shortly before he died and that Near honestly held very little ill will towards Mello.
I was excited especially about writing Hal, because she seemed so open for development and characterization. I was worried about Near because I really couldn't get inside of his head. It was almost as if he wrote his own lines, popping up unexpectedly in my mind.
There were numerous "deleted scenes" for this fic. Not because they don't relate to the story or because I just wanted to keep some things to myself. I deleted them for one of two reasons.
1) They distracted a bit from the main plot and really didn't meet the standard of quality I wanted
2) I planned on using them for a different story
Which brings me to the next topic.
This won't be the last you hear of me as far as fanfiction goes. Hopefully that will make you cheer rather than cringe. lol. I'm currently working on a second fanfiction, a sort of prequel or companion piece to Beyond. I'm also working heavily, sort of on and off, on an AU fic as well. If all goes well, both will be up soon for you all to read.
On that note, I'd like to thank everyone who read this fic and stuck with it until the very end. I immensely enjoyed writing it.
Thank you to everyone who have helped me out along the way, including thinlimitation, narni4eva, mrsjeevas, and SyberiaWinx. If I've forgotten any of you, I'm extremely sorry. You may message me and complain. Haha.
Special Deviant Art Author's Notes:
It's been nearly four months since Beyond was first created. I've had time to think on it, re-read, and even write a number of other Matt/Mello pieces since then. As many of you know, my obsession with these two began in about late March/early April. I had a strong desire to get my ideas on paper, to be one of those well known fanfiction writers. I wanted to write a novel length fanfiction for Matt and Mello.
It would have been my first real attempt at writing fanfiction. To be fair, like I've said before, I have written it in the past, but it was more the rantings of a fangirl than actual attempts at writing good literature.
My hastiness is what sent a 65 page fanfiction into the trash.
I hadn't yet culminated a full, deep, dynamic view of the characters. They changed so rapidly in my head as time went on that, when I finally finished the Death Note series (both anime and manga) and May rolled around, I didn't even recognize the Matt and Mello I had been writing about. I discovered I wasn't the type of person who could just get it perfect on the first try.
So, I gave up. And it's probably a good thing too. Mrsjeevas seems to have been born to write epic, huge, Matt/Mello fics. It seemed that it was my place to write things like Beyond and leave the novel-length stuff to someone like her.
Not to say that that's set in stone. I'd love to try again with my old characters (after spicing them up a little bit of course. They really were quite dull back then), but it may be a long time before I ever do that. And perhaps Mrsjeevas could try her hand at a tale about MxM afterlife (hmm? Maybe? I don't know. lol)?
Since the beginning, I've admired her. Even now, I still do. What she does with words, what she does with characters is nothing short of amazing.
I could rant on all day about her and the amazing stuff she's done to help me and how great she really is, but I've only got so much room and so much of my audience's attention to work with.
I have to admit that if she hadn't been around, Beyond would never have been finished and Thicker Than Blood would just be a silly idea.
If ever I got stuck, I would go through and re-read her work, and something about it, some very well crafted or lovely sentence, a vivid use of imagery, would get me going again.
I hope she'll consider this a gift of thanks for the wonderful surprise she left me for my birthday. I'm still touched by it even now.
But even more than that, she's been a tremendous help, answering my questions for TTB and leaving such great reviews for Beyond and inadvertently leaving little tips within for me (like the 40-10 technique. I don't even know if she remembers that. lol). Its her observations of Matt and Mello in her own work that helped me to critique my own writing. The fact that she analyzes them from every possible angle, questioning why this and why that, it provided me with a sort of checklist for myself. Even while I write TTB, I read over "My Own Way" and, every time, I notice yet another facet in Matt or Mello's personality that I failed to even think about.
It's a difficult thing to explain how I've learned from her, yet taken my own path with it all. But if I wanted to say it simply, she unintentionally provided me with a bar to shoot for, something to aspire to, and I think it's something that I really needed. She gets me to think deeper than just what I see in the show or in the manga, makes these very short-lived characters have depth and personality and flaws and lives.
She's the type who gets it perfect on the first try because of the effort she puts into it. Admittedly, I'm always flabbergasted at how she can churn out three chapters in a day at times (or so it seems from the way she updates on AFF) while I sit here in my writer's block hell and pout. But, her speed of writing doesn't seem to take away from the meticulous detail she puts into her fics. Everything is so full of meaning and rich detail, because she's taken the time to pick apart these two men down to their most basic elements of character.
And that's usually the mark of a literary genius, and it's a quality that I hope I can one day learn as well. I'm already well on my way with Mrsjeevas' help.
That's why I've decided that I am going to dedicate the deviant art version of Beyond to her.
She encouraged me and kept me going, even convinced me to move this to DA (and it will hopefully be followed by Intangible, Keehl's Ninth, and Thicker Than Blood).
If you haven't done so yet, go read
stuff and be amazed! She's a wonderful writer and a beautiful person. To Mrsjeevas: Thank you for everything you've done. It may seem small, or insignificant, but you've given me more self-esteem as a writer and more advice and help than I ever expected. We haven't known each other long, and I hope I've managed to avoid too much gushing or assuming. Perhaps I'm a Mello at heart (controlling, selfish, chocolate addict), and if I am, then you've definitely become my Matt and I hope that's okay. Thank you so much!
And thank you to all of you who made it this far.
Until next time,
Catmoongirl
Final Disclaimer: Death Note was written and illustrated by Ohba and Obata. It does not belong to me.
Comments6
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Hmm... reminds me of Death Note: Another Note Lose Angeles BB murder cases. The narrative voice and how you express it, just sounds like that. Good job.